The Art of Listening

When your mother asks "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.--Erma Bombeck

As a woman, sometimes my heart intercepts my brain when words are spilling from my mouth. On the inside, I'm attempting to be loving, patient, kind. I'm the kind of woman who listens intently before slowly and carefully dispensing words of advice. But all too often on the outside, my words get the best of me. In my haste to dispense words of wisdom, I forget the number one rule of relationship: be a good listener.

At Thrive on Thursday, we talked about the crucial role good listening plays in our lives as women. The mere act of being heard and feeling understood is fertile ground for connection, growth, and change.

You may be surprised about what you learn about yourself when you try to follow active listening principles. As one woman commented on Thursday,

"I AM that person that wants to relate with a personal experience and interrupt. Everything you said was dead on...like hearing the first part of what someone is saying and thinking you know exactly where they're going to go with their thought. And I think by jumping in I'm being a good friend.....and even while you were giving the message i even had the urge to jump in and interrupt!"

If you missed Thursday, you can *listen* up for some basic principles of listening that you can apply in your relationships. Challenge yourself this week to be the kind of woman that others say is a "great listener."

Click here to listen to "The Art of Listening"

Principles of Active Listening:

The Technique. Active listening is really an extension of the Golden Rule. To know how to listen to someone else, think about how you would want to be listened to.
While the ideas are largely intuitive, it might take some practice to develop (or re-develop) the skills. Here’s what good listeners know — and you should, too:

1. Face the speaker.
Sit up straight or lean forward slightly to show your attentiveness through body language.

2. Maintain eye contact, to the degree that you all remain comfortable.

3. Fight off distractions.
Keep your focus on the speaker. To listen more fully, make sure you notice non-verbal cues. Is the tone of their voice tentative, anxious, angry? Do they slouch, lean forward, appear sad? Take in the whole picture, not just the words.

4. Respond appropriately to show that you understand.
Stay engaged in the conversation with minimal encouragers: head nods, “mmm-hmms”, leaning forward as you listen.

5. Focus solely on what the speaker is saying.
Try not to think about what you are going to say next. The conversation will follow a logical flow after the speaker makes her point.

6. Minimize internal distractions.
If your own thoughts keep horning in, simply let them go and continuously re-focus your attention on the speaker, much as you would during meditation. You can process later why you were so impatient or distracted by their point: perhaps it brought up something for you that you need to know about yourself.

7. Keep an open mind.
Wait until the speaker is finished before deciding that you disagree. Try not to make assumptions about what the speaker is thinking. Work hard to desire to understand where they are coming from. Use open-ended questions to get to the heart of the issue: What did you do then? How did you feel about that? What happened next? What are you feeling now about it?

8. Avoid letting the speaker know how you handled a similar situation.
Unless they specifically ask for advice, assume they just need to talk it out.

9. Even if the speaker is launching a complaint against you, do not interrupt to defend yourself.
Often our emotions get ahead of our words. Until you’ve heard exactly what the speaker has to say, you can’t really respond appropriately. Too often we defend ourselves on the point we think they want to make rather than what they are actually saying. When the speaker feels heard, they are more open to responding to your side of the story.

10. Engage yourself.
Ask questions for clarification, but, once again, wait until the speaker has finished. That way, you won’t interrupt their train of thought. After you ask questions, paraphrase their point to make sure you didn’t misunderstand. Start with: “So you’re saying…” or “Sounds like” or “Let me see if I heard you correctly…” Remember to stay tentative with your approach. It is normal for the person to disagree with your interpretation. This is a good thing! They are able to clarify their thoughts through your reflections back to them. Stay with the point until the speaker agrees that you have heard them correctly.